Welcome to the to the first ever installment of Digging up Diamonds.
I didn’t have to dig deep to find today’s gem of a TV show pertinently
and poetically phrased 3rd Rock from the sun. Now I know you might say that this is quite a
popular serial but sadly it is unheard of amongst our current generation and
that is an injustice I must seek to right.
3rd rock,as it is lazily referred to as, is a sitcom about a group of alien explorers that
have come to earth (the 3rd rock from the sun) and disguised themselves
to blend in amongst us and observe humanity.
Their short assignment becomes
extended as they soon find themselves not only liking their own meat suits but
the ones around them as well.
Now that the premise
is set let me tell you what the show actually is.
It is an amalgam of science
fiction and comedic genius with an anthropological overtone that makes us stop
and think about how silly we all really are.
It is a coming of age story relatable
to all ages; Encompassing topics such as sexuality, stereotypes,gender equality, self-identity,
fitting in, addiction, family and life itself.
It is the quintessence of
romance as by the ill timed end of the show you will have fallen in love with
every character that you meet on their journey.
Strap yourselves in for a
maelstrom of emotions where you’ll be shedding tears, laughing out loud,
screaming at the screen with frustration and anger or just dancing because
you’re happy.
The novel ingenuity of the directors coupled with a demiurgic
script and the passion, the talent and the chemistry the cast bring to their roles
make this the perfect polygamous marriage between director, actor and author. The
show won countless awards, beating out the infamous “Friends” series on many an
occasion.
If you haven’t watched 3rd rock I suggest you do
so immediately. I mean it. Right now. Go. Stop whatever it is that you are doing; blow off
study or just quit work. Give your stereotypically autocratic boss the bird or perhaps
even ask him to join you in watching the TV show because it is way more life
changing than your jobs ever were. Go on Netflix or YouTube, what have you, and
correct this colossal flaw of yours.
Trust me when I say that it will be an out of this world
experience for you, with an introspective twist.
That I can guarantee.
Disclaimer: Although the article above is irresistibly persuasive,
I advise you not to forego real life responsibilities just for the sake of
watching a TV show. Follow a proper code of conduct, stay in school and don’t
do drugs. But it is your life after all and the decisions you make are yours
alone. I am not the king of you nor do I claim to be.
Post Scriptum:Apologies are in order. I’m sorry that my schedule’s been off to say the
least what with work,
my social life and a lot of unexpected deaths (as is their disposition) in the
family.
I apologise on behalf of humanity, its
nature and norms.
As I hastily type these words the realization hits me that
they may be my last. I can’t help but cast weary glances behind me, as a cold draught
claws, persistently at my nape with its chilly clutch. Try as I may, search as
I might, its origin remains a mystery in this well insulated house.
I hate to
admit but I’ve been naughty this year, quite possibly the reason for this
feeling of unholy fear, which deepens as Christmas day draws near.
Night rode in swiftly on that freezing day as my girlfriend
and I snuggled into bed hoping for a pleasant and perennial sleep. Silence
reigned all through the house; nothing made a sound, not even a mouse. Well
nothing except my snoring spouse, and the incessant whirring of the radiator,
which by now was nothing more than a lullaby to us. But suddenly I was jarred awake
by a faint clamoring coming from downstairs. The noise became louder as I crept
down step by step. Approaching the living room; it was now more distinct than
ever. I knew the sound to be of chains rattling against each other.
I peered in to see, a figure hunched over our Christmas
tree. He sneered and snickered gleefully and pranced towards our Christmas
stocking. It was then that I knew this prick, simply couldn’t be jolly Saint
Nick. To say I was revolted and wracked with repulsion, wouldn’t be enough of a
justification. Here I was trying to reduce my carbon footprint and he was
literally stuffing coals in my socks. The Bastard! I would have none of it.
“Oi Asshole” I shouted intrepidly at him, but when he turned
around I almost screamed. For in front of me there stood, half man, half goat,
a hideous beast in full.
Horns like
pikes burgeoned upon his head; jagged yellow teeth in his gums were imbedded.He had no feet but hefty hooves instead, his glowing red eyes stared at me,
dead. Stomping emphatically he trimmed the distance between us. He was so close
I could smell on him the putrid stench of rotting corpses, leaning in he
whispered with foul breath that he was none other than the infamous krampus.
“Who?” I asked for I didn’t know, I had not seen nor heard
of this creature before.
He gasped in shock and disbelief, and proceeded to
throw a hissy fit. He reminded me of a hip hop artist with a melodramatic flair,
failing his chains, barring his teeth and giving me a pretentious glare.
Finally exhausted he flopped down onto a chair, and said “Let me tell you who I
am”. “Please sit “he brazenly offered, a
seat in my own home, the audacity of this unwelcome monster. I didn’t know then
but soon it would dawn, that I had agreed to an interview with this devil spawn.
This beast was apparently a part of European folklore, one
of the things he mentioned as he began to pour, not only details but drool on
my hardwood floor. I knew what he was getting for Christmas, a big fat bill for
this vile mess; I must remember to ask him his address.
There was a catch in
his throat as he spoke of Hel, his mother dearest; it would seem that even
demons have feelings. Sorrow soon turned
to bitterness, as he was reminded of Saint Nicholas. “You glorify that pudgy
oaf lacking of class, when it should be me you celebrate and commercialize, I’m
badass”. It was clear by the statement that he desperately sought, to amend his
mummy’s disappointment and be adored.
“He pampers prissy children with
materialistic gifts, while I teach naughty brats the hardships of life with my
stick” He said as he gave his cracked lips a quick lick. Evidently he drags kids
to his lair, and does things bordering on pedophilia. With his bells, chains
and ruten cane, you could tell this sick freak was into some hardcore S &M,
which would put the contents of fifty shades of grey to shame.
He was telling
me about Krampusnacht and how Germans were the best, when we heard the sound of
another pair of heavy footsteps. In strode my girlfriend clad in her nightly wear.Krampus’tongue lolled out at
the sight of a lady with such debonair
,despite her lack of makeup and bedraggled hair.“She
must be on the nice list, it’s only apropos” ,nudging me the beast cackled
“Santa does have a weakness for HO, HO, HOES”
I knew in that instant this wouldn't end good,it was bad enough that he was wagging his tongue not to mention sporting
wood, but he crossed a line when he implied my better half was a prostitute. By
the horns, Krampus was thrown, out into the snow, in a manner which almost
dislocated his hip bone. Not the first such experience he’s had with a woman
scorned, I’m sure.
Thus was concluded my interview, with Krampus the indecent and
raunchy ghoul.
MERRY CHRISTMASS everyone
The extra "S" wasn’t an accident
and neither is the weight you put on during the holidays
It’s that merry time that comes once every year.
The Celebration of our first trek off of this earthly sphere.
It fills most Americans with patriotic cheer,
as their rivals the Russians,boo and jeer.
And in the middle of all this, what do I see?
An age old controversy
and so I shall end this rhyme, so weird and queer
I now regret starting it, Oh dear, Oh dear
Diminished hopes of being his peer
I’m afraid this can’t compare to a sonnet of Shakespeare Thus concludes my short lived poet’s
career
But Wait! Oh Dear readers, the point is missed I fear!
I have gone off on a tangent it would appear
The topic of the day is the Moon Landing. Hear, Hear
AAaaaand with that I lose half of the minute gathering of
followers I had. Please accept my most humble apologies for that dreadful piece
of prose. Went off on a whim there.Let
me compose myself (The Word Smith clears his throat).
Finally…Finally the Word Smith.has.come.back.toooo.talk.about.the.moooooooooooooooon.la-la-la-la-la-landing.
(And now I lost the rest).
But yes dear readers, proving yet again our
obsession with multiples of five, we celebrated the 45th anniversary
of the first Manned Moon Landing on the 20th of July.
It truly is a time for sharing and caring. Sharing posts of the damn moon
landing and caring about whether or not it’s fake, that is. This might sound a
bit hypocritical (since this is technically one of those posts) but dear readers
I just want to put an end to this absurd controversy that’s been raging on for
decades.
I shall examine eleven popular hoax theories about the moon landing that were debated, stating both the points and
counter points.
Disclaimer: If you are a close-minded,self righteous prick of a conspiracy
theorist then you may want to stick two fat fingers in your ear and hum loudlybecause shit’s about to get real.
Nuff said
let’s get down to it.
1) That one small step
The iconic photograph of Buzz Aldrin’s boot print is one that symbolizes
the statement “one small step for a man, a giant leap for mankind”.
But theorists
say that NASA is just throwing moon dust in our eyes.
Their point being that there is no way for a footprint to be that well
preserved in a place where there is no atmosphere and no moisture to hold the
sand together.
It is human nature to search for familiarity, and that is where the
conspiracy theory crumbles to dust. Since there is no weather on the moon dust
particles are not subjected to any weathering making these crystals jagged
with sharp edges,enabling them to stick together like parts of a jigsaw
puzzle thus maintaining the shape of the boot print.
With that starts this debate. We
shall see who comes out ahead once the dust settles.
2) The waving flag and
then it goes back
The most commonly known issue is the waving flag. I saw it, you
saw it, your grandpapi with the one eye saw the damn banner of the USA flapping
about proudly in the breeze. This is an impossibility in a vacuum devoid of
air. So why the bloody hell did it? Conspiracy theorists say because it was filmed
here on earth
NASA blames the flag waving on a bad iron job, making the flag look unfurled
and giving it that rippling effect, and on Neil Armstrong’s clumsy attempt to
stick the flag in the ground thereby making the pole and consequently the flag
flap around which can indeed happen even in a vacuum.
Cropped photograph animation of Buzz Aldrin saluting the "waving" flag
In this case proof does support NASA but to be fair to the conspiracy theorists
it really looks like a gust of wind making the flag flutter. More to the point if
that were true the theorized filming would have had to be shot outdoors or perhaps
someone left the windows open on set .Do you think the minds who would formulate
such a grand hoax will allow such a miniscule mistake?
3) Moon landing ain’t shit but tricks
and slow-mo
Conspiracy theorists say that documentation of the
astronauts prancing around on the moon is nothing but Hollywood hokum.
The
footage when sped up shows the movement to be almost earth like (i.e. subjected
to gravity).Trick wires and cables also enable the replication of the weightlessness
and immensely elevated jumps.
Always be Batman
Scientists rebut this claim by drawing attention to the dust
that the lumbering astronauts and the lunar rover fling around when they move
about on the moon. Dust on earth when kicked up suspends in the air forming clouds
due to the atmosphere where as dust on the moon just falls back at the same
rate as any other object.
This effect can be clearly seen in the recording
For NASA to fake such conditions they would have to create a
vacuum studio which is an incredibly difficult task even in today’s standards. There
really is no point kickin’up dust.
4)A Shadow of a doubt
The only source of light on the moon is the Sun right?
So
explain how the shadows in this picture are cast in different directions and
not parallel to each other.
And explain this picture of the clearly visible and
well lit astronaut in the shadow of lunar module. I ain’t racist but shouldn’t
he be black?
Clearly there are more light sources and errthing is staged.
NASA points its finger at the contours of the lunar
landscape and holds it responsible for the different directions in which the
shadows are cast. The exaggerated angular disparity however seems a little
shady (pun intended).
The photograph of the lunar module and the clearly visible astronaut is explained
by the simple fact that lunar regolith or moon dust/rock is quite reflective (can
reflect up to 12% of light to be exact) thus illuminating the astronaut.
But that is nothing compared to the other reflective light source present. The
earth has the ability to reflect 30% of light. Talk about overshadowing someone.
5) No moon rock left
unturned
Conspiracy theorists are proud to present you with…… “The copyright rock”
Yes that is the letter “C” imprinted on a lunar rock on the moon. Maybe someone
from the previous Apollo missions carved their initials on there, looking at
you Commander CharlesConrad; or perhaps this is the work of aliens.
Theorists however go back to the studio claiming this is a prop mishap where a
set designer accidentally left a labeled rock upturned and that was caught on
camera.
NASA provides quite suspicious answers as they say that this is a stray strand
of hair caught up somewhere in the developing process, a mere glitch. Yet they
also put forward a second accusation that this was a crime of photograph
tampering by some elusive fiend.
When I
checked the original photograph on the NASA website the C wasn’t on the rock.
So why then did NASA scientists make a big deal over something that wasn’t even
there and respond to this hoax accusation? Whether at the hands of NASA or a
prankster it is evident some sort of photograph tinkering has been going on.
6) Caught in the cross hairs
Yet another photographic blunder was spotted by a very keen eyed possibly
unemployed theorist who noticed something quite odd about the crosshairs in the
Apollo photographs. The crosshairs said to have been etched into the camera
lens appear to be behind some of the objects in the stills.
How is this even
possible? This is clearly a flaw wrought forth by the fabrication of these
photographs.
This can be disputed with one word, “overexposure” and I don’t mean of
theorists to conspiracy documentaries.
I speak in terms of Photography
The issue of the photographs where the crosshair appears behind the object only
arises when the crosshair is in front of bright white areas. The problem with
this is that it renders the thin line of the crosshair invisible thus creating
the illusion of the object being in front of the cross hair.
But photo doctoring is always a possibility and theorists may still stick to
their guns however I think it’s fair to say that this claim was shot down.
7) Seeing double
It would seem that the ever frugal NASA has erred again in its attempt to pull
the wool over our eyes by using the same set of backdrops and same locations.
The audacity!
This is blatantly clear in
both the stills as well as the footage which when merged shows the exact same topography
although NASA claims that they were filmed in completely different locations. Put
two and two together and the answer is in plain sight, Orchestration!
NASA simply answers this allegation with an unenthused “No”.
They point out that the moon is small, barren and has no atmosphere and the
combination of all three affects the perception of distance thus giving us the
illusion that the photographs were shot in the same location.
However this does not explain why the hill from the footage of Apollo 16 day
one, is the exact same one in the footage of day two when NASA claims that they
were shot in two different locales. Is it just coincidence or is there more to
it than meets the eye?
8) Star struck
When you look up into the night sky you see thousands of
sparkling stars out there in space. Theorists point out the total lack of stars
in all the photographs and video footage taken on the moon. Why when on the
moon, in space, are there no visible stars? Did God turn out his heavenly light
bulbs or was this another prop disaster?
Well much like celebrities trying to hide from the paparazzi it would seem that
these stars are concealed in plain sight. In both cases photography is to
blame. The brightly lit lunar landscape prevents the use of high exposure cameras
and the shutter speed of the cameras used was fast thus rendering the
photographs starless.
9) In the Spotlight
And to centre stage returns Commander
Charles "Pete" Conrad.
The picture below was taken on the commander’s Apollo 12 mission and
what is that I see on the top right corner of his visor?
The lunar module? No
that was to the right of the photograph. A UFO?Could be. But theorists go with stage equipment. They believe that foreign
object to be a spotlight or a ceiling fan dangling from the rafters.
It is actually believed to be one of the artifacts from previous missions.
Which one exactly? I’m unsure of. I
actually think it looks a lot like a Command/Service Module orbiting the moon.
If you think you know what it is I kindly invite you to comment below and to
step into the limelight.
10) Brace for anti-climactic
impact
Theorists say that they have seen craters bigger than that of the lunar
landing on their own faces. There is no blast crater or dust displacement or
any evidence of the 17 ton lunar module’s arrival on the moon in any of the photographs
or video footage
The simple fact of the matter is that the moon’s gravity being 1/6th
that of earth means that the Lunar module didn’t need any thrust to slow down its
descent thus explaining the lack of a blast crater. The Lunar module did have a
throttleable descent engine to enable the shift from its ejected horizontal
position into a vertical descent.
The engine is shut off way before the
landing.
So the conspiracy theory it would seem is just full of hot air. Blast!
11) Van H-allen’s Radiation
belt
I “Ain’t talking ‘bout love” or Van Halen either but both the Band and the Belt
(Van Allen’s belt that is) can melt your face and cook you inside out. So the
question theorists ask, with no malicious intent is why weren’t the astronauts
burnt alive by the radiation despite the aluminum coating layered module?
NASA responded by stating that they built a rocket for a reason. The
short time it takes to traverse through the belt reduces the radiation exposure
to 1/25th of the allowed standard, set by the United States
Atomic Energy Commission.
So conspiracy
theorists it’s time to face the music.
If the points above weren’t satisfactory and you still believe in the
depths of your heart that man has not set a single foot on the moon I give to
you the Lunar Laser ranging experiment.
Laser tag with the moon
The moon is littered with artifacts. Among them are retro-reflectors left
by the Apollo (manned) missions. These are, essentially, reflective surfaces
that enabled scientists to bounce lasers off the moon.
I can almost hear the naysayers
screaming their protests .Yes they did bounce lasers off the actual surface of
the moon before the Apollo missions, but the reflectors offer better, stronger
and far more accurate reflection. This
experiment is conducted in labs around the globe thus providing not only
conclusive proof of man being on the moon but also an experiment to measure the
distance from the earth to the moon.
This was a Public Service Announcement brought to you by yours truly if you know any
conspiracy theorists send them this way and I’ll bitch slap them with the
truth.
